I am Snape

“Happy birthday, man.”
“Yeah, thanks…”

I closed my room’s light and went to check my cell-phone for any new Whatsapp messages. I learnt that at the strike of 12’o clock, my inbox was flooded with messages and notifications.

People, who had seldom talked to me before, had sent me messages, my Facebook inbox was worse, my news feed was a pin-up board for public display of affection amongst ‘friends’, I was becoming collateral damage with every post I was being tagged in.

But, among all these names, I tried searching for just one name I had wished to wish me.

Somewhere deep inside me, I knew she wouldn’t wish me, not after what had happened. We were best friends for 3 years, but hadn’t talked in the last 4 years. I didn’t know if it was even wise of me to expect. But, hope is such a tyrant.

I went to my cupboard and sat down on the floor, pulling out a few fly-leaves from the lower shelf. It contained pictures, notes, diary entries, and slam books – memories. But, I was busy searching for something else - A thick red cotton thread, which I had got smuggled out of her Mathematics record to get a glimpse at the only thing of her that I posses , after so many years. I was looking for my journal, an entry in it, which I planned to keep that thievery as a memory. I was looking for the silly pictures of her, that I took from her Orkut and Facebook profiles.

I was searching for what I had left of my friend in that shelf of my memories.

Every day, I try to steal a glimpse of her in class and enjoy that, but I turn my face away before she finds out and it would be only because I don’t want her to know that I still care. I’d gladly be the worst friend she ever had, rather than let her know why I care for her and jeopardize our relationship. Because, it would kill me, it would break me more than it’d break her, to see her in pain that would come when she finds out the truth.

But I committed mistake, I told her. And things happened what I was afraid of. 

There is a reason why she behaved so rudely with me in the first year, when I tried to talk to her that Thursday afternoon. There is a reason why I didn’t let a common friend give her the ‘let’s-be-friends-again’ letter that I wrote for her, back in the lab in second year. I knew that once we became friends, she would ask me questions, I wouldn’t have answers to. She would ask me the reasons why I stayed far and never told her the complete truth. It’d kill me more to deny her when she would beg me to tell her everything about how much I care for her and its link to her happiness. But, a few chapters should never be opened.

I went back to my bed and lay on it, my eyes closed, trying to reminisce those old days. I used to be the guy, who was teased by everybody when I try to talk with her, all the time. I used to be the guy, who made stupid cards and birthday surprise attempts, which almost made me look like a lover. I used to be the guy, who was stupid enough to go and login to “Orkut” and "Facebook", and talk for hours with her. I used to be the guy, who spoke of who he adored, to this girl. I used to be the guy, who would have literally done anything for this girl.

I knew that it will not be so simple for me to get myself the best birthday ever, to get her back. But, that would come at the cost of telling her the truth, the truth that would dismantle her life. And, I won’t let it break her. So much for birthday, that I sit alone in class. Whoever has a spare seat left, I occupy it. Nobody saves me a seat. I go and sit in the last bench, even if I can’t see a thing on the whiteboard. I lost my shares of friendship and trust, the day I lost that friend of mine. Now, she may hate me for not telling her the things that I know, for hiding things from her. But, whatever I do, I do it for her best. That is what I always try to. Now, she might despise me, but if that comes at the price of her happiness, I would rather steal my reasons of staying happy from her smile. If all this loss comes at the price of protecting her and taking care of her from a distance, well then, so be it.

Now, I may not have a lover today but when all this ends, I would be the Severus Snape everybody hated. Because, love is not about expressing or having the person you love the most close to you. It is about a friend, looking out for the other, no matter where they are or how loose their ties are. It is about accepting to be the negative and still do, all that takes, to take care of that friend.